Written by the mother of a young woman missing and found lured into the world of a controlling, psychopathic older male…
“HE WAS CHARMING, UNTIL HE WASN’T”
Teens and young adults may have insecurities that are hidden from family and friends. They may feel overwhelmed, unloved, unpopular, scared about the future, uncertain of their course of study, or inadequate in some way.
They may have broken up in a relationship They may feel lonely, feel no one wants them, feel incomplete without a partner, or feel that relationships on media are more realistic than the ones they experience.
Parents and friends could help these people by talking and finding out about their deeper feelings about the above. Look for patterns – perhaps the person can’t bear to be on his or her own, without a partner. Notice if TV shows are the gauge upon which life is measured – it’s not reality. Find out if the person is deeply depressed. Notice if he seems stressed. Does she have brain fog?
Cults and others prey on these young adults – by making them feel worthwhile and enticing them with promises of fame, grandeur, fortune, love, marriage, sense of belonging, and more. They pounce when a person is vulnerable, then take advantage of the situation. Many are so good at it – a calming hypnotic voice, confidence, and develop a pull, feigning a trust factor. They lock on to any and every insecurity they can sense in the victim.
Most parents have no inkling that anything like being coerced into a cult-like existence would be on their children’s radar. It’s absolutely something worth discussing with them – explain how to be prepared to reject such a scenario. Young people can be easily convinced to do dangerous or exciting things – look at all the challenges that keep making the rounds, getting more dangerous all the time (swallowing cinnamon, eating Tide pods, dancing outside a moving car). A calm hypnotic voice could break through walls and lure them.
The time to give your daughter an SOS phrase is NOW – before she may go missing. Make it a phrase that is unlikely you’d say to each other, but that doesn’t sound like a weird thing to say. It should be as simple as “I love you to the moon and back” or “I love you so much I could explode.” Make it something that would be a red flag to you, but it would not seem odd to a perpetrator. If you give it to her after she’s being controlled or listened to, it won’t do any good because he knows the phrase.
The initial encounters may turn into hypnotic episodes, into controlling behavior, into threatening tactics (threatening to harm family and friends of the victim), brainwashing, pushing drugs onto victims to keep them under the control desired, and other behaviors. There may have been red flags but the perpetrator has a way to explain the situations to allay the fears and doubts of the victim, and often shift blame to the family and friends (or back to the victim).
Once the perpetrator has a lock on the victim, much more can happen. The victim is lured away from family and friends. He may keep the victim from having any contact with her circle. That way he the only one in the world she can trust or turn to. He may convince her to pimp herself, to be trafficked, to give him all her money and belongings, or marry her off to himself or another (to solidify the control over her). He may send a kidnapping demand to her family. He may send her to another country to fight in a war. He may beat her. He may do various monstrosities to keep her for his purpose.
Meanwhile, family and friends go through a variety of emotions – worry, anger, disgust, grieving, and more – depending on what can be found out. She may say “I don’t want you in her life.” She may assert herself that it’s her life to life as she wants. She may say she’s reinventing herself, or she may cut off all communication. No matter what, family and friends are put through the ringer – not always knowing whether the victim is alive or dead, whether insane or controlled, or who knows what.
It’s important for loved ones to try to communicate as much as possible if she takes off. Show love for the victim. Keep calling and leaving messages, or emailing, or texting, or mailing letters – whatever methods are available. If you aren’t getting replies to emails, try emailing only subject lines and don’t write anything more – subject lines are easily read but the body of an email may not get opened. Keep sending messages of love, of missing her, of important things she should know, or of anything to get her to respond and realize how much she’s loved, or to realize that she needs to get out of the situation. Hopefully messages of love will help break the brainwashing that has been going on. Hopefully it’ll empower her to do something to get out, or at least communicate.
On FaceBook and Twitter, there is a resource you should look up – LostNMissing inc – she has various resources she can point you to. She can post photos and stories of missing people. They can get shared further and perhaps someone, somewhere, will recognize the victim.
Hire a private detective, if you have the money and have any idea of where to start a search. You could find a free resource. Ask your police department for ideas and help – you might be able to file a missing person report. There are people you can try to call for help – ask LostNMissing, Inc. for ideas. (www.lostnmissing.com)
The more you push and assure the victim that all will be ok, the chance of getting her back may increase. You need to become stronger than the perpetrator. You need to surround yourself with support. Ask for prayers. Find help for yourself. Do not let the perpetrator take you down. Take care of yourself and don’t gain years with worrying – look as good as ever when (hopefully) your daughter comes back.
The victim may feel that her family is threatened if she left – that is one tactic of having power over her. If you can, assure the victim there’s nothing the perpetrator can do to hurt her family and friends – break the hold he has over her.
There are many variations to these scenarios – from all aspects. Work with what you can. Don’t dismiss your daughter, no matter what may spew from her – it’s possible she’s being made to say or write what comes back to you. Realize that someone with power over her may be scripting every response that you see or hear. You need to bite your tongue and profess unconditional love. Be careful of what you say – if you don’t want the perpetrator to know something, don’t say it to her – he may be listening (or reading messages) or grill her for everything said.
If you meet the perpetrator, be cautious in what you say and do, to make sure victim doesn’t get punished. If you can get the victim away and outside where no one can listen to a conversation (including leaving her phone inside), see what you can find out and if she is scared for either herself of you. Look for signs of bruises. See if her hearing is impaired. See if she has any other issues. Once you feel it’s a dangerous situation, start planning a rescue – pull her aside and make sure she will go with you. Involve police and women’s shelters in the plan – make sure you call them from where the perpetrator is unable to hear you. Then act on it – take her from him and make sure police are in vicinity to allow an escape – he is not allowed to keep her from leaving. Go fill out a police report immediately and set up an emergency restraining order. From that point, make sure there is no way he can find her. Give her pepper spray and a tazer. Teach her self-defense. Get counseling for her. Make her feel safe. Assure her that he can’t do anything to harm her or anyone else.
When someone is rescued, it’s a long healing process which will pull everyone’s emotions to various places. Remember there is de-programming that needs to happen. Praise her strength and ability to be independent from any man. Teach her it’s ok to say “no” to a man, or anyone. She may exhibit signs of Stockholm Syndrome – defending the captor, harboring an emotional connection to him, worrying that you will harm his reputation, or some other trait that is confusing to you. It may take some time to heal from the harm he’s done. Be patient and supportive. Continue to take care of yourself and keep a support system to help you.
Hopefully you will never see a situation as described, but so many people have been surprised and blindsided by such a scenario. It’s better to realize that it could happen and teach your child that it is a danger she should be aware of and not get mixed up in. If such a situation does happen to you, hopefully you will get your child back to you. It’s frightening to know your daughter is missing – whether dead or alive. Try doing what you can to push a communication from your child. Never give up hope until there truly isn’t any left. There are no easy times for those missing a child. It’s a hell no one should ever have to deal with, but for many, this type hell is all too real.
AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE:
Signs of controlling men: Empowering Advice For Women Involved With Bullies